a "thinkful day" causes confusion.

So of course I will update my blog from the month of November later. but for today. i'm writing about today.

I just hate those days where they never end. It seems like time pauses for a bit or even rewinds. I wonder why that is maybe I'm just weird that could be it. Today was one of those days. usually i love love love saturday's but this saturday the 11th just wasn't one of my days.

Saturday 11th 2011

First: it all started with a girl from work not responding to take my shift TONIGT. 

my friends and I decided to go to the Winter Formal up at the U.

we did decided last minute on thursday.

got it all planned out but i forgot i worked. dang. asked a couple girls both couldn't.

one girl left to ask. no respond. facebooked her no respond. called her today no respond.

finally texts me back this afternoon saying she had a family dinner. ugh. grand. 

well that is life guess that means i have to work. 

the funny thing is i told her i would take her day shifts over christmas break if she could work for me.

nope that didn't work oh well more money for me right.

Second:  my friends bridal shower was today also around eleven o'clock.

drove to it and picked up a friend that lives in provo.

haven't seen her in a while it was good to catch up.

but her telling me insturctions on driving drove me crazy.

when i drive i like to know where i'm going at all times. even my dad knows that.

i hate getting in the way of other drivers. and hate it when they honk at me.

well when driving she would tell me to go left...then i would be in the left lane and then it was right lane.

then went to go buy a gift for my friends wedding. didn't know what to get.

so we both pitched in a gift card which is still way nice.

Third: Loved the bridal shower for my really good friend in high school.

it is crazy she is getting married.

i loved hearing up dates on a couple of friends.

but i realize time changes and people move on with life.

wether it be marriage. dating. friends. college. family. sicknesses. birthdays. etc.

it just seemed different with them today.

don't get me wrong i LOVE them to death but it just doesn't seem like that in high school.

which is understandable because we all growing and figuring out what we want to do in life.

Fourth: didn't have cash in my wallet so went to the bank after to pay my friend back for the gift card and the bank wasn't open it closed thirty mintues before. ugh really. couldn't it stay open until i came. ha ha i wish.

wouldn't that be nice.

oh well i told her i will pay her when she comes to slc for christmas.

my bad.

maybe that means i should get a credit card. but then i don't want that hassel. 

i like just using cash. plus if i got a credit card. i think i would spend more then what i needed.

but i guess you just have to be responsible.

Fiftieth: driving home in the car alone is sometimes really nice. 

but today it wasn't.

i felt as if i was over thinking everything.

about LIFE> FRIENDS> FAMILY> COLLEGE>APPEARANCE...etc.

i started tearing myself apart. in my mind.

listening to music and driving is sometimes a relief. and i do love it.

but today wasn't the same.

things just kept coming in my mind and in the thoughts.

i thought about school and realize i need to get back into it so this semester i am going to take a couple classes at SLCC.

then i started thinking about marriage.

and i know i'm not ready.

but missed having a boyfriend.

missed those talks.

those walks.
the holding hands.

those moments where he understood everything.

the laughs.

the smiles.

the looks.

the cuddling/warmeth.

the help i had.

always had a friend.

feeling wanted.

feeling loved.

the surprises.

cooking food.

the treats.

in the end that is life. he broke up with me but at random times it kills me.

it has been since last spring. i have moved on. but little things always remind me of him.

ugh.

things kept coming up i my mind. thinking faster then ever.

where to go to college next fall.

going to alaska in the summer yes no.

dating. will i have another bf soon or when.

jobs. finding a new day job.

etc............................

Sixeth: felt as if i was driving through the wind. driving to fast also. speed demon.

tears then started to flow in my eyes while driving. i'm a person where i don't cry in front of ppl either.

so being in my car i felt as if i was able to let it out. 

let out my frustration. and feelings.

then on my drive home still through all my thoughts. now remember i left provo. i was by sandy draper area. 

and then it hit me.

the person i saw that shouldn't have happened.

why why. why. why. why. why. 

i keep thinking in my head after what happened this afternoon.

i saw in front of me on my right hand side a silver car.

looked familiar.

black rim tires.

white sticker on back window left bottom.

thought it was Jake's car...but didn't know.

passing him by with him on my ride side.

i looked 

he looked over.

i looked forward and speed off.

yeah it was him.

eye contact yes.

i wonder if he even knew it was me.

my hair i darkened brown and took the blonde highlights out for winter.

did he recongnize me?

did he know it was my car?

how did he felt. 

where was he going?

I haven't been to provo or in that area since i went down to snow.

which was awhile ago.

but of all times the one saturday i go down.

and drive home i see him.

of all the people to see driving in the car.

tears in my eyes. then seeing him. drive past. tears flow more. windows become foggy nope just my contacts becoming blurry. 

sometimes i wish i could just rewind.

i should have waved. my phone was dead.

or done something to make him feel akward.

for what he did to me i didn't deserve.

i know i'm a bigger person because of it.

it still hurts.

but why did i run into him driving when before i was thinking about him and about life.

uh uh uh guh gugh ugh ugh.

sometimes i wonder 

how things would be if we were still together.

him going to provo. me going to uvu.

but nope that is life. i got to make the best of the situation and move on.

it is hard. but i keep going strong.

today was just a melt down for me.

seemed like nothing was going right.

lucky tom. is sunday it is a new day.

a new dawn.

seventh: my parents asked what was up with me when i went to work and after.

they could just tell something.

i didn't tell them because i didn't want them to worry about me.

but it hurts.

the pain the memories that we created. 

i did say i saw someone but they thought i saw someone from high school at the bridal shower.

i didn't tell them who just someone.

i love that when stuff is on your mind your parents can always tell. i love that about parents always worried and want to be a part of life. my life. 

eighth: well............................................................

don't worry.

the day is over.

sunday is a new day a new fresh start of the day.

i have many things to be grateful for.