heartbroken.

you know when you see someone and your heart just drops.

or a friend that you haven't seen in a long time.

a relative.

a teacher.

a neighbor

a family friend.

etc.

well.........i had that happen to me at work. lets just say it was unexpected.

and i wasn't prepared at all.

probably one of the worst. no i take that back. it was one of the worst days at work.

uhh. it all started out.

lets just say i wasn't even suppose to be working friday morning. i was covering a girls shift.

nice of me right.

well. i saw one of my brothers high school friends walk in, i was in the kitchen smiled and continued what i was doing. 

he left. i thought he did a take out order.

nope i was wrong.

i was seating people of 3 then was about to walk up front to seat the next 3 coming in to the resturatant.

but then all of a sudden i looked in the window when they were walking up.

yupp my brothers friend Joe.

my older brother Alan (who i haven't seen in about 5-6 years)

and the guy who basically took him away from are family, or more postive note he helped my brother out and paid for things. took him under his wing i guess you can say.

i totally went into the main dinning room and into the kicthen.

i felt as if my heart had stopped.

tears started to flow in my eyes.

emotions racing so fast.

memories flowing through my mind.

the hurt.

the heartache.

the pain.

the sorrow.

anger.

seeing my brother was so unexpected.

i thought he was in germany on a business thing.

guess not. 

but really of all places to eat when he comes back they decided to go to my resturant that i work at.

crazy.

well that is what i'm thinking.

It was the hardest time for me at work, my co-workers have never seen me that way.

tears about to flow out of my eyes.

holding it all in.

didn't want to show what was happening to me.

I realized i was at work it hit me.

i needed to look and act professional.

so i continued my job.

seating others that walked in.

walking past their booth that they were sitting at.

killed my heart everytime.

....how can he do that.

it must be so hard for my brother to see his sister and doesn't even say hi or talk to me.

it hurts.

i'm always so confused. 

i couldn't write him on his mission at all. haven't heard anythinng about his mission. nothing.

basically we are dead to him.

sadly to say but it is true.

i know eventually through time he will come around 

but i hope it is soon.

I thought in my head 

racing quesitons over and thinking, and anaylziing.

should i say hi.

does he recongnize me.

but i then felt an over coming of peace.

ps. it was a friday that means i had already been to the temple before work.

i felt a calm of peace to not do anything.

for it is his problem and if he wants to associate with me he can.

i just need to wait until he is ready.

it was hard.

i so wanted to talk to him.

even just to say hi.

or bye.

disappointment struck me.

"may we be strengthened with the understanding that being blessed does not mean that we shall always be spared all the disappointments and difficulties of life." Heber J. Grant

uhh it killed my heart and my soul.

i felt as if i had just been washed away in the seas.

it hurt having someone so close to me not just a relative

but my oldest brother.

my boss even knew something was up.

he said i didn't even know this side of you or that something can stir you up.

went situations like this hit.

it is serious and painful for me.

i'm not a person to show or express my emotions 

it was hard to hold it in barely.

after the day shift ended. 

i walked to my car put my hood on.

and tears fell.

questions in my mind un answerd.

or that i want so badly to be answerd.

heart broken.

tears.

anger

"In a moment of anger, we need to be careful of the things we say. A poor choice of words may leave a deep impression which cannot be erased. Especially in the hearts and minds of those we love and care about."

and tears.

kept falling.

music playing.

mind racing.

driving home i felt as if i was flying i was going a little bit to fast.

walked in my door and told my mom.

it hit me hard.

i wasn't prepared at all.

it challenged me and my emotions.

my thoughts.

for i love my older brother Alan

and hope that someday, I know someday he will come around I just hope sooner then later.

I love him with all of my heart.

he will always be my older brother Alan, always and forever.

I love this gospel to know that Familys can be Together Forever and we are Sealed to one another.

what a blessing it is to know and to feel inside my soul.

i love it.

i love my family so much.

and so sorry for the pain that we all face through this tough family situation with my brother.

i'm always there for my siblings and parents always.

and love them so much that words can't even describe how so.

.I have a fam’ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

[Chorus]
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

2. While I am in my early years,
I’ll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God’s temple for eternity.